What happened?

I was reading Meg's blog and she said this:
'No more telling stories from 5 years ago. I'm SO ready for new ones'.

The thing I like about me and Meg is that we have the same brain. (and her face). And we've both been young, excited Jesus obsessives with these massive dreams in front of us. The whole of our lives and the certainty that God was going to use us in massive ways. (To do what, exactly?)

Then the last few years happened and some things got knocked. It's hard to put into words what happens when dreams die badly. When boiler rooms have to be shut down, and you find out most Christian organisations are as mercenary as the non Christian ones but they do it in the name of Jesus. When words like 'ministry' and 'revival' bring nothing but guilt and shame. When you're running but you trip over and slam your face onto the ground and it hurts. When the line between truth and lies gets blurry because your clarity has gone because you are not the uber saint you thought you were and where do you go from there? And three years later how do you look back without feeling sad? And how do you look forward without that knowledge that in three years you'll be looking back with sadness because things do. not. work. out?

Or do they?

So there's some things that need to be healed, whatever that even means. And I don't know where I fall in the scale between 'messy' and 'sorted'.
But I want to learn to live in the middle - am not getting anywhere trying to scrabble back into God's good books by praying and worshipping and churching and proving and demonstrating and witnessing and quietly, quietly panicking.

Might just let him hug me. Don't think I can make intimacy with God happen, but I can stop pretending he doesn't like me. Oswald Chambers said the other day that Jesus didn't die for us because of God's love but because of some divine interchange that needed to happen. To which I think I shall reply 'shut up'.

And there's a boy involved. He likes me and he says God likes me. And he says we're going to go into missions and heal people's hurts. And he says he admires me and respects me and is excited about getting old with me because i'm fun. And when I cry for no good reason - because the last few years still hurt sometimes - he cleans the kitchen because that's how he fixes things. And then he remembers i'm a clingy girl and then he hugs me. And there's LOVE now.

And we're doing a 24/7 prayer week at church (!!!) and i'm mentoring teenage girls (hahaha) and in under two months that boy will be called mr.husband.
Don't want to make any more excuses. Want - and i'm shaking as I write this - to stop remembering when me and Jesus stuff was amazing and look forward into the amazing me and Jesus stuff to come. Don't want regret. I want to to dream again. Want to believe that he is good and that he is God. With more than just words and sundays. With all of me, like wot it says in the Bible.

Also, go listen to the David Crowder band because if you don't like them you are stupid and maybe deaf.

Bye friendies. xxxxx
p.s. Boy says why am I writing a blog because, unlike Meg, I am not in Australia. I think maybe it is because it is therapy/ statement of intent/ time to write (live) again.